What’s up with all these people who can run with their earphones?

Whenever I walk out of my house, I become overridden with the fear that half the people around me are an alien species. This may sound like a serious case of agoraphobia, but I suspect that something larger is at play. There are signs. Signs that can only mean there are beings shaped like humans but are not humans. The most obvious one is: all those people running with their earphones without them falling out.

Like the average human being, I can never feel comfortable with those Apple earphones. I might forget how annoying they are if I am seated at a desk for 5 hours concentrated on a task. If I have to move, on the other hand, they will fall out within 5 seconds. It’s just physics. That’s what they do. And that’s why I cannot even walk with earphones. 

So when I first started noticing all these people running with their earphones, I knew something was wrong. I had already found it odd that so many human beings would have the will-power to run for an hour instead of doing anything less painful in their free time, but I could concede that some people were just a bit weird. Then I realized that all the people who jog all seem to share the same uncanny features:

-they are all able to run without their earphones falling out

-in the time they are not running, they are always clean, even if it’s 30 degrees out there and it’s the natural human condition to be sweaty and stinky at such a time.

-their hair is always straight and neat, even if they have run for an hour

-not only can they can wake up before 11, but they enjoy doing so

-their fingernails are long and yet clean all the time

-they wear high heals with apparent comfort

These features simply make no sense for the average human beings. Whenever I let my fingernails grow past the edge of my finger, they become filled with dirt and also create an unbearable sensation of finger anxiety. Such is physics. If I try to wear high heals, I have to take them off and walk bare-foot because I can no longer stand the pain, even if I’m on a dirty street filled with trash. Such is physics. Who the hell are these people defying the laws of physics? They live.


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